Navigating Emotional Maturity in Family Relationships

In recent years, the concept of emotional immaturity has made its way into social conversations and therapy rooms, resonating with a generation of adults who are grappling with the gap between their parents’ capabilities and their emotional needs. This growing awareness has led many to re-evaluate their childhood experiences through a new lens, one that acknowledges both the limitations of their parents and the long-term emotional toll of those limitations. As discussions about emotional intelligence, attachment styles, and generational trauma become more mainstream, people are beginning to identify patterns they may not have previously recognised.

For some, this shift in awareness brings validation—they finally have words for the discomfort and confusion they felt growing up. For others, it is disorienting, as it challenges deeply ingrained beliefs about family loyalty, love, and what it means to be a "good child." These realisations often set the stage for deeper healing, as individuals navigate the difficult work of unlearning old narratives and forging new, healthier emotional pathways.

Growing Up With Emotionally Immature Parents
Emotional maturity is not a fixed trait. It exists on a spectrum, influenced by upbringing, life experiences, and personal growth. We all find ourselves somewhere on this spectrum; some of us further along it than others. People who are emotionally immature shy – or sprint – away from their feelings. It can be difficult to be vulnerable with them. They rarely reflect on the reasons behind their behaviours and are dismissive of the emotional needs of others.

Lindsay Gibson, a psychologist and expert on emotionally immature parents, describes emotionally immature parents as those who lack empathy, often prioritise their own emotions over their child’s, and often leave their children, even grown ones, feeling unseen or unheard. According to Gibson, emotionally immature parents generally fall into one of four categories:

Driven Parents – who try to perfect everyone around them.

Passive Parents – who avoid all conflict.

Rejecting Parents – who don’t seem to enjoy being with their child at all.

Emotional Parents – who have mood swings, are emotionally inconsistent, and need others to stabilise them.

The result of all of this? Children who grow up feeling emotionally abandoned, who are anxious about expressing their needs, who struggle with boundaries, internalise shame and fear vulnerability, and often feel overly responsible for managing others' feelings. These are the adults I find sitting in therapy with me carrying a legacy of confusion, guilt, and unmet emotional needs. To them I often find myself offering a version of “I am so sorry that you grew up with parents who didn’t make time for you, and so now as an adult you try to prove your worthiness for love by obsessing over work and achievements.”

One of the most subtle but pervasive legacies of emotionally immature parenting that I see in therapy is the difficulty in trusting one’s own feelings. If your needs were consistently minimised or ignored, you may find yourself questioning the validity of your emotions or seeking external validation to feel grounded. Many adult children of emotionally immature parents report feeling a persistent sense of emotional loneliness, a nagging sense that they are fundamentally unseen or unheard, even in their closest relationships.

Another hallmark is emotional gaslighting—parents who rewrite the past or deny their child’s reality, making them doubt their own perceptions. These experiences can lead to self-doubt and a deep need for external reassurance. Some may develop people-pleasing tendencies, bending over backward to maintain harmony, while others may struggle with intimacy, fearing that vulnerability will only lead to rejection or disappointment.

Moving Toward Emotional Independence
For those with emotionally immature parents, healing often involves redefining what family means and recalibrating expectations. It’s not always about cutting ties or assigning blame but about moving towards acceptance, recognising limitations, and setting boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.

Healing begins with acknowledging the pain and confusion caused by emotionally immature parents. Accepting that they may never change is a difficult but necessary step. This doesn’t mean excusing their behaviour, but it does mean freeing yourself from the cycle of hoping they will suddenly become the parent you needed.

Learning to validate your own emotions is another crucial step. When you grow up with emotionally immature parents, you may become accustomed to second-guessing your own experiences. Finding a way to tune into your feelings—whether through therapy, journaling, or supportive relationships—can help you build trust in yourself. The goal is to shift from seeking external validation to developing internal confidence in your own emotions and decisions.

Setting and maintaining boundaries is equally important. Emotionally immature parents may resist boundaries, viewing them as a rejection rather than a necessary act of self-care. Being clear and consistent in your boundaries—whether that means limiting contact, steering conversations away from emotionally charged topics, or standing firm against guilt-tripping—allows you to protect your emotional well-being without engaging in the same unhealthy dynamics.

Building a support system outside of your family can also be transformative. Many adults who grew up with emotionally immature parents find solace in friendships, mentorships, and chosen family relationships that provide the emotional validation they lacked growing up. These connections can help rewrite the script of what it means to be supported, cared for, and truly seen.

Finally, self-compassion is key. Many adult children of emotionally immature parents carry an inner critic that echoes their parents’ dismissiveness or blame. Recognising that your struggles are a direct result of unmet emotional needs—and not a personal failing—can be deeply healing. Treating yourself with the kindness and patience you may not have received as a child is a radical act of self-reclamation.

Truthfully you may never fully understand your parents’ emotional unavailability. Despite all the insights and self-work, it can still be jarring to see them remain unchanged. This realisation often becomes even more stark when you become a parent yourself. You might find yourself in disbelief at how you were raised, wondering how your parents could have been so emotionally distant when the need for love, attention, and attunement in childhood is so obvious to you now. It can be a painful reckoning, one that underscores just how much you’ve had to learn and unlearn to break the cycle.

A growing number of people have chosen to go “no contact” with their parents. Some find healing in maintaining a limited relationship, while others thrive by stepping away entirely. No single approach fits all. The key is making a choice that aligns with your emotional needs and well-being.

As we continue to talk about emotionally immature parents in therapy rooms, living rooms, and online forums, the conversation becomes less about judgment and more about understanding. In that understanding lies the power to heal, connect, and ultimately, to grow up—even when our parents haven’t.

// Nicola