Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere: The Expats' Paradox

Over the last decade as my life here in Norway grows and my roots in the UK wither, I find that the topic of belonging - a feeling that transcends physical location and evolves with personal growth and experiences - is something that takes up room in my mind as well as increasingly in my clinic where I work with other expats through their own transition.

BELONGING
In the early years of my move, I grappled with the disorientation and challenges of adapting to a new culture. The initial feeling of losing a sense of belonging was daunting but it wasn’t something I spent much time pondering as there were so many important aspects of adaptation that were far more pressing to address. Initially my lack of belonging was stark - I did not speak the language, I had no sense of how the culture orientated itself and it was clear to everyone I was a foreigner. I still felt strongly that my belonging was tied to the UK and that I was working towards belonging in Norway.

More than a decade on the topic of belonging it something I feel more deeply. There is a recognition in me now that I will never belong here in Norway, but that I also no longer belong in the UK. Every trip back shows me in stark in subtle ways that I am different. I have been moulded by my Scandinavian experiences and don’t see the world with a British sense any longer.

For many, the traditional sense of belonging to a particular community or place is crucial and provides a sense of security. Admittedly this shift in belonging for me can feel vulnerable. I don’t feel that sense of security that many take for granted. However, for those who embark on the journey of living abroad, understanding that belonging can be fluid and internal can also be incredibly empowering.

FINDING HOME WITHIN
The challenge of moving abroad is that it fundamentally changes you. Your mindset, your worldview, your sense of what’s possible—all shift and expand in ways that can make returning home feel like stepping back in time. Once you've lived abroad, the idea of "home" transforms. It feels as though time stood still there, and you have outgrown it. You're caught in a limbo, too different for your old home, not quite fitting in abroad. This feeling of being in-between can make you feel as if you've lost your sense of belonging altogether.

This state of un-belongingness represents an in-between phase where people's identities become fluid and mixed, leading them to feel as though they do not belong anywhere. This can be disorienting at first, as we have been taught that belonging somewhere is necessary to build an identity. About five years in to the move I began to feel this sense of un-belongingness acutely. Initially when I talked about “home” I was referring to my country of origin. Somewhere on the way however that began to feel awkward. Home was no longer the UK, but it also wasn’t quite Norway! I have come to settle on the idea that home, for me anyway, is not a static location; it is a dynamic state of being. Home is the place, any place, that I want to return to. It is the sense of comfort and peace I carry within myself. I belong wherever I find myself.

WELCOME HOME
Belonging is often perceived as a connection to a specific place or community. Living abroad however has taught me that true belonging is a state of being rather than a geographical anchor. For me it is about finding a sense of ‘welcome home’ within yourself, regardless of where you are. We are often conditioned to believe that belonging to a specific place is essential for building our identity. Yet, as I immerse myself in my new surroundings and embrace the journey, I find that the absence of a fixed sense of belonging can be liberating as much as it is daunting.

Freeing myself of a fixed sense of belonging freed me from attachments and shackles that had, unknowingly, limit my personal growth. It opened the door to possibility, to new perspectives, and adaptation of fixed beliefs and ways of doing things. It was enriching. This mindset shift allowed me to view every new experience as an opportunity to grow and adapt, rather than a threat to my sense of self.

I began to see the UK not just as a place but as a bridge between who I was and who I was becoming.

THE POWER OF THE OUTSIDER PERSPECTIVE
Admittedly I have also found there to be benefits to being an outsider! As Christina Luconi eloquently stated, "Outsiders change the world." I truly believe that! Outsiders find inspiration in playing and succeeding against the odds. While the need for belonging is high on humanity's list of necessary needs, so is the need for uniqueness and individuality. As we age, we often move from caring deeply about fitting in to embracing what makes us different. Being an “outsider” provides you with a perspective others don’t have. It allows you to challenge the status quo, and identify new opportunities.

These days whenever I notice that familiar sense of un-belongingness rising I remind myself that it is a sign of growth, indicating that I am challenging your core beliefs about belonging to a place and people.

In the end, there is no right or wrong way to feel about belonging. It is a deeply personal journey that varies for each individual. Whether you find belonging in a place, a community, or within yourself, the key is to embrace it in a way that brings you contentment and fulfilment.

Living abroad and experiencing different cultures has shown me that belonging is not about fitting into a specific mold but about creating your own sense of home wherever you go. This journey of self-discovery and adaptation is a continuous process, one that enriches our lives and expands our horizons.

As a clinical psychologist, I encourage my clients to explore their own journeys of belonging, to embrace the uncertainties and joys of living abroad, and to find their unique sense of home within themselves.

// Nicola